Sleep Mode

One of the worst things we seem to have embraced in North American culture, is that being busy equates to success. I don’t like being busy, how can we enjoy life if we are working so hard just to be able to afford our lives.

That drive to be successful/busy in our lives tends to mean we have a hard time realizing that in reality, we are burning out.

Burnout looks like different things for different people. For some it is emotionally breaking down, losing your mind over the smallest thing because all the big things have worn you down. Others find that they need to withdraw from the world, feeling like it is constantly screaming at them to do things that they don’t have the time to accomplish.

For me, it is hitting a wall where my insomnia has sucked all the energy out of me and I’ve only just made it through the workweek.

I usually don’t realize that I’ve been hanging on by a thread of sanity until I try to do something small and note that it is exhausting. Then I will sit down to relax for a moment and wake up hours later.

This happened today, I woke up this morning feeling alright, I had gotten a little sleep(that is big for me) and I had plans to organize the back room.

I moved three things in the room, sat down to rest for a moment on the couch and woke up four hours later.

I am not a napper, I avoid napping in general since I have enough sleep issues without using up precious unconsciousness during the day.

I had no plan to nap, I was hoping I’d get a good portion of the backroom sorted out, but that didn’t stop my brain from turning everything off.

It sent out the message that it had some thinking to do and it wanted some dream time. So I spent four hours having very odd dreams as my brain worked on reorganizing itself for the week ahead – at least something got organized.

Recently, I’ve felt it more and more, the knawing exhaustion as the week wears on and the burnout takes hold. In the past, I would hunker down for the weekend with a pot of tea and a tv show, movie or book and it would be enough to get me through the next week. Lately, even when I am finding time to make a pot of tea, it doesn’t seem to help.

These days I am up and out of the house before 8 am, work all day and then I pick up my brother at 6 pm to take him home, which means I am not even walking back into my house until after 7 pm usually. After a day of working, I just don’t have the energy to deal with anything, family can be draining at the best of times but when I just want to get home to eat some dinner and try to wind down before bed it is too much.

As an introvert, I need that time at home to wind down before bed, but when I get home late I have less time to do so and it means I don’t sleep well. My brain spends the night chattering away and no matter how much I tell it to shut up, it doesn’t.

In some ways, I should be glad I had the opportunity to nap and dream today, though I’m a little worried that I’ll be too awake to sleep. Hopefully, my general exhaustion and burnout from the week will allow me to just crash when I hit the pillow and maybe my nap will help salve some of that burnt brain matter.

Knock Knock

This is not the start of a joke.

This is the sound that seems to be waking me from sleep, or dreams I guess, in a reoccurring and sporadic manner.

From a deep sleep I will suddenly be woken up as if someone has just knocked on something very near to me.

There is no one there.

Yet I distinctly heard a knocking.

The first few times freaked me out, I thought someone was at the door in the middle of the night. Now that it has happened a few times I seem to be realizing it is just my subconscious and I calmly try to fall back to sleep (once my heart rate returns to normal – it is still a sudden loud rapping noise.)

I’d love to know what it means is my subconscious trying to get my attention? If so why? Must it be so cryptic? That’s not helpful.

I’ve started to write down the date and time that I’m abruptly pulled from sleep, maybe there is a pattern I can find, but I need more data points first.

For now I’ll head to bed and hope for a quiet sleep without an urgent tap, tap, tap tapping in my brain.

Maybe, Maybe Not

I’ve decided it’s okay if I don’t post every day. I am going to try but right now there is too much happening with work and life that I don’t want to feel bad for not being able to come up with content.

I feel like I should have things to say and I probably do except that my brain is so overtaxed (sorry for the pun), that I start over thinking and end up with writer’s block.

Until tax season is over I’m giving myself permission to maybe, or maybe not, post something daily. It can be a surprise to both of us if something manifests itself from the brain fog.

(Like this post about posting or not posting.😉)

Inhale, Exhale

I’m in accounting and by its nature you spend your time doing the same things at the same time every year.

There is both stability and irritation in this.

Stability because you know what’s coming and you know you’ve gotten through the hectic time before so this time shouldn’t be any different.

Irritation because it always seems exceedingly unfair when other things collide with the worst periods during the year.

Tax season for example, for January through June it would be lovely if every other catastrophe, expectation or really event of any kind would stay away.

This does not happen, inevitably you have tons of work to do and something falling apart somewhere else in your life. It is exhausting.

Right now I have too much happening while tax season is going on. House renos, rental renos, dealing with family members. If I had a social life it would be in flames.

I just need a little calm, I need the eye of the storm to cross overhead and provide a reprieve, a space to breathe.

Ways To Keep Me Up Past Bedtime

  • Extreme weather TV shows (documentary)
  • Extreme weather movies

Started watching a TV show about extreme storm chasers, two hours past when I was going to head to bed and I’m still watching. Oh well, maybe if I stay up late enough I’ll be tired enough to sleep tonight. Instead of last night when I tossed for hours.

Grr…Arg…

Today was a day that disappeared quickly but was irritating.

Or maybe I was just exhausted and in a bad mood.

I don’t think I was grumpy this morning but by the end of the day I was irritated by everything.

I have a lot of plates spinning and sometimes it feels like no one is helping me, instead they are trying to knock my plates down or toss new ones into the mix.

Tomorrow shall be better, I hope. 🤞

Just five minutes…

We only woke up because her ride came to pick her up.

When a short nap turns into hours because one of you is exhausted from errands (plus a lack of carbs) and the other is exhausted from a stomach bug of some kind.