Tag: LIfe

Emotion Or Passion

In conversation with friends this evening I was talking about my counseling and my one friend asked if I ever got emotional during the sessions. I wasn’t sure how to answer at first, so I tried to get clarification. Did they mean talking about emotional issues? Nope, they meant, did I ever cry during the sessions?

I paused for a moment, at which point they continued saying because you just aren’t an emotional person.

My other friend and I looked at each other then at the same time said we’d consider me to be emotional. I added that yes sometimes I cry. Then the conversation changed to a new topic.

It got me thinking though, am I emotional? At the time I was thinking yes, but on reflection perhaps it isn’t that I’m emotional, I’m passionate.

Maybe it is because I live on the hot-tempered, angry, venting side of the emotional spectrum, rather than the crying portion. I experience sadness but I generally am not going to cry regarding my feelings. I feel much more inclined to release fire than water.

I don’t get upset about feelings so that might make me less emotional, but I get upset about illogical things or stupidity, which brings out a passionate response.

My emotional centre feels more like a volcano, everything boils under the surface until I erupt, but when I’m done there is a new layer of protection and I go back to simmering.

My friend who asked though is the crying type, cries when they’re sad, happy, or angry. Their tear ducts are directly connected to their emotional centre more like an ever-flowing waterfall, to them crying is closely linked to emotion.

To them, I’m not emotional because I don’t express it in the same way they do, but to someone who acts similarly, like my other friend, it was ridiculous to think I wasn’t.

It was an instance of people viewing things from different perspectives; it all depends on your context.

July Is Over

I was dreading July this year. It would mark a year since my step-father’s death. I wasn’t sure how anyone would handle it. I knew there wouldn’t be a big fuss made but sometimes anniversaries can hit harder than you expect.

Maybe it was because there always seemed to be some minor issue happening but July passed, not with ease, but quickly for the most part.

I had hoped, by now, things would have fallen more into place. That a system or rhythm would be worked out but that hasn’t happened.

Yes, I mostly hoped this would happen for my benefit. Selfishly I wanted my life to get back to what it was before. Was that naive? Overly optimistic? Just plain stupid? All of the above?

I’ve lost my balance and instead of righting itself that imbalance is pushing into all facets of my life. It is feeling difficult to make it through basic life. Making me eat too much and do too little. Making me depressed.

Dealing with my own day to day when everyone else needs something from me too; dealing with work so I don’t go broke. I don’t think I can deal with much of anything much longer.

I just need a break. I need some things to start going my way. I need everything to not involve a problem.

I need…I don’t know what I need.

Redecorate, Reorganize, Renovate!

Handy drawing of the space I need to redo!

8′ x 22′? Who builds a space like this? How is it a useful addition? Especially when you then add a wall to split the room into 8′ and 14′!?

Plus in that 8’x8′ room you also need a path to exit onto the deck, so you actually only get 8’x4′ of usable space, hence that is where the laundry lives.

Did I mention that the ceiling also slants from 8′ high down to 6′ at the outside wall? Which makes putting shelves difficult unless you like them to get smaller as they move across the wall.

Ever since I bought my house this space has caused trouble. First it was a spare room, mainly storage, but never fully useful. Then when I removed all the interior walls it became my bedroom and it definitely was not an ideal use for such a strangely sized room, a queen size bed just fit with enough room to edge around it. The “closet”, is likely an opening from the original house because it’s never had doors on it and is wider than your average closet space. Now that I’ve added the addition, with my new lovely big bedroom, this has become my storage/closet again but in a disorganized, “just put it in the back room” way, which I hate.

Basically, this room has never found its purpose, but removing the loveseat on the weekend gave me space to rearrange, my closet organizers will go back in the closet, where the loveseat resided. Some arm chairs from the living room will move back in here. I have to find a storage ottoman to replace the loveseat, because where else will I throw my clothes?

Also I think the wall between the two spaces is definitely coming down, it makes more sense to have one big space. A big space that can be a dressing room with my wardrobe as well as an office space so I can set up my laptop and be able to work from home more comfortably.

Thoughts? Print the picture, doodle ideas on it. Help me transform this space into something more useful and enjoyable.

Project

Do you put your clothes away? Do you take them out of the laundry, fold/hang them, whatever?

Yeah, totally, me too. 😶

When they first come out of the laundry at least.

But once I’ve worn certain items I always put them aside to wear again. Jeans, shirts, blazers all can be worn more than once before needing to be laundered. Assuming I haven’t spilled food/coffee down my shirt or gotten sweaty while having had to run away from a bear.

For the last few years I’ve had an old love seat sitting in my closet on which clothes lived. It is just far more convenient than say a drawer or shelf, well a shelf would be fine but my closet didn’t have those hence I could fit a loveseat in there.

I removed the loveseat today, part of the process of changing up the room. I would like to make it into an office/dressing room and generally minimize the stuff that has accumulated in there.

During this transformation though, where am I supposed to put my clothes? I can’t just keep using the loveseat which is currently in the living room, I’m not some college student living in a one room apartment. Though living in a mostly open concept house has many of the same issues, the biggest being creating useful storage.

I don’t know why I decide to start these types of projects during tax season. Do I not think I have enough on my plate? Do I think I need to be as busy at home as I am at work? Probably something to do with exerting control in a time when it feels a little out of control.

Still, now I’ve forced myself to deal with this problem. I am going to have to figure this new space out, or it will drive me mental every time I go into the room, which is every day.

Unintentional

Well, once again time has managed to just disappear. I was thinking ‘oh, I should write a post, it’s been a couple days’, then I checked and it’s actually been five days. I lost a whole work week.

Lost, isn’t the right word, I worked the whole work week, which is what you’re supposed to do during it. And yet, I really didn’t think five days had passed since I last wrote on here.

Tax season is definitely taking its toll, though it will really kick off when April rolls around, which given my sense of time lately will probably be in about five minutes.

I realize that I talk a lot about time these days. I’m sure my counselor would suggest that it is because I’ve had two big deaths in less than a year and that it makes you realize time is fleeting. (Madness takes its toll…(Rocky Horror reference, anyone)).

I don’t know if that is why I keep talking about it, or because me and everyone around me is getting older, or because I’m just tired, or because everyone is feeling the same way and there are tiny vibrations in the atmosphere that I’m tuning in to.

Either way, just like my lack of posts, it is unintentional.

Knock Knock

This is not the start of a joke.

This is the sound that seems to be waking me from sleep, or dreams I guess, in a reoccurring and sporadic manner.

From a deep sleep I will suddenly be woken up as if someone has just knocked on something very near to me.

There is no one there.

Yet I distinctly heard a knocking.

The first few times freaked me out, I thought someone was at the door in the middle of the night. Now that it has happened a few times I seem to be realizing it is just my subconscious and I calmly try to fall back to sleep (once my heart rate returns to normal – it is still a sudden loud rapping noise.)

I’d love to know what it means is my subconscious trying to get my attention? If so why? Must it be so cryptic? That’s not helpful.

I’ve started to write down the date and time that I’m abruptly pulled from sleep, maybe there is a pattern I can find, but I need more data points first.

For now I’ll head to bed and hope for a quiet sleep without an urgent tap, tap, tap tapping in my brain.

Maybe, Maybe Not

I’ve decided it’s okay if I don’t post every day. I am going to try but right now there is too much happening with work and life that I don’t want to feel bad for not being able to come up with content.

I feel like I should have things to say and I probably do except that my brain is so overtaxed (sorry for the pun), that I start over thinking and end up with writer’s block.

Until tax season is over I’m giving myself permission to maybe, or maybe not, post something daily. It can be a surprise to both of us if something manifests itself from the brain fog.

(Like this post about posting or not posting.😉)

Inhale, Exhale

I’m in accounting and by its nature you spend your time doing the same things at the same time every year.

There is both stability and irritation in this.

Stability because you know what’s coming and you know you’ve gotten through the hectic time before so this time shouldn’t be any different.

Irritation because it always seems exceedingly unfair when other things collide with the worst periods during the year.

Tax season for example, for January through June it would be lovely if every other catastrophe, expectation or really event of any kind would stay away.

This does not happen, inevitably you have tons of work to do and something falling apart somewhere else in your life. It is exhausting.

Right now I have too much happening while tax season is going on. House renos, rental renos, dealing with family members. If I had a social life it would be in flames.

I just need a little calm, I need the eye of the storm to cross overhead and provide a reprieve, a space to breathe.

The Bunny

Don’t trust the Bunny, look at that face! Clearly Bunny is hiding something. Those flowers are not organic & Bunny may try to stab you with a carrot when you aren’t looking!*

*yeah, I am crazy and it’s only Wednesday