I was dreading July this year. It would mark a year since my step-father’s death. I wasn’t sure how anyone would handle it. I knew there wouldn’t be a big fuss made but sometimes anniversaries can hit harder than you expect.
Maybe it was because there always seemed to be some minor issue happening but July passed, not with ease, but quickly for the most part.
I had hoped, by now, things would have fallen more into place. That a system or rhythm would be worked out but that hasn’t happened.
Yes, I mostly hoped this would happen for my benefit. Selfishly I wanted my life to get back to what it was before. Was that naive? Overly optimistic? Just plain stupid? All of the above?
I’ve lost my balance and instead of righting itself that imbalance is pushing into all facets of my life. It is feeling difficult to make it through basic life. Making me eat too much and do too little. Making me depressed.
Dealing with my own day to day when everyone else needs something from me too; dealing with work so I don’t go broke. I don’t think I can deal with much of anything much longer.
I just need a break. I need some things to start going my way. I need everything to not involve a problem.
I need…I don’t know what I need.