What do I want to write?
I wish it was something I had more control over.
I’ve said it before I obsess, which isn’t a great quality when you are under stress. It means you then obsess over all the things causing you stress.
I would say that 75% of the time I deal with my stress pretty well. Venting my thoughts helps. Apologies, and thanks, to all those who’ve had to listen/read. I think letting them out prevents me from getting an ulcer or obsessing to distraction.
That other 25% is where the obsessive personality causes issues.
Dwelling on things that need to happen: house maintenance; making sure Mum has money; planning out everyone’s lives (because suddenly that seems to be my responsibility?); getting through tax season without having a complete meltdown; eating. Basically, there is a range from annoying chores to “OMG, I can’t do this!”.
All of these stressors are then either aggravated or assisted by various people, neither of which is helpful because I much prefer dealing with stress alone. Probably not the most reasonable approach, but I’m mostly only referring to that 25%. Those problems I am convinced would be solved if I could just deal with them and everyone else would just accept the resolution and shut up about it.
Instead, they are complicated by other people and I spend nights tossing in bed contemplating the problem from all angles, keeping myself up when I should be sleeping.
Thinking about stresses that were never meant to be mine, at least not yet, taking my time away from dealing with the stress in my own life or getting the sleep I need to work/live.
At times I catch myself thinking ‘hey, I think things are going well.’, then suddenly an appointment has to be made, a situation dealt with.
Stress is turning my brain to mush. It is building rage in my brain, that is going to come out in one long wail as I collapse in a heap on the ground. Except I’m pretty sure I’m losing my voice trying to talk over the people not listening to me when I try to explain the solutions to the problems – so I will just be falling to the ground my mouth a soundless void, a black hole – beware you don’t get pulled into its gravity.