Sleep Mode

One of the worst things we seem to have embraced in North American culture, is that being busy equates to success. I don’t like being busy, how can we enjoy life if we are working so hard just to be able to afford our lives.

That drive to be successful/busy in our lives tends to mean we have a hard time realizing that in reality, we are burning out.

Burnout looks like different things for different people. For some it is emotionally breaking down, losing your mind over the smallest thing because all the big things have worn you down. Others find that they need to withdraw from the world, feeling like it is constantly screaming at them to do things that they don’t have the time to accomplish.

For me, it is hitting a wall where my insomnia has sucked all the energy out of me and I’ve only just made it through the workweek.

I usually don’t realize that I’ve been hanging on by a thread of sanity until I try to do something small and note that it is exhausting. Then I will sit down to relax for a moment and wake up hours later.

This happened today, I woke up this morning feeling alright, I had gotten a little sleep(that is big for me) and I had plans to organize the back room.

I moved three things in the room, sat down to rest for a moment on the couch and woke up four hours later.

I am not a napper, I avoid napping in general since I have enough sleep issues without using up precious unconsciousness during the day.

I had no plan to nap, I was hoping I’d get a good portion of the backroom sorted out, but that didn’t stop my brain from turning everything off.

It sent out the message that it had some thinking to do and it wanted some dream time. So I spent four hours having very odd dreams as my brain worked on reorganizing itself for the week ahead – at least something got organized.

Recently, I’ve felt it more and more, the knawing exhaustion as the week wears on and the burnout takes hold. In the past, I would hunker down for the weekend with a pot of tea and a tv show, movie or book and it would be enough to get me through the next week. Lately, even when I am finding time to make a pot of tea, it doesn’t seem to help.

These days I am up and out of the house before 8 am, work all day and then I pick up my brother at 6 pm to take him home, which means I am not even walking back into my house until after 7 pm usually. After a day of working, I just don’t have the energy to deal with anything, family can be draining at the best of times but when I just want to get home to eat some dinner and try to wind down before bed it is too much.

As an introvert, I need that time at home to wind down before bed, but when I get home late I have less time to do so and it means I don’t sleep well. My brain spends the night chattering away and no matter how much I tell it to shut up, it doesn’t.

In some ways, I should be glad I had the opportunity to nap and dream today, though I’m a little worried that I’ll be too awake to sleep. Hopefully, my general exhaustion and burnout from the week will allow me to just crash when I hit the pillow and maybe my nap will help salve some of that burnt brain matter.

Project

Do you put your clothes away? Do you take them out of the laundry, fold/hang them, whatever?

Yeah, totally, me too. 😶

When they first come out of the laundry at least.

But once I’ve worn certain items I always put them aside to wear again. Jeans, shirts, blazers all can be worn more than once before needing to be laundered. Assuming I haven’t spilled food/coffee down my shirt or gotten sweaty while having had to run away from a bear.

For the last few years I’ve had an old love seat sitting in my closet on which clothes lived. It is just far more convenient than say a drawer or shelf, well a shelf would be fine but my closet didn’t have those hence I could fit a loveseat in there.

I removed the loveseat today, part of the process of changing up the room. I would like to make it into an office/dressing room and generally minimize the stuff that has accumulated in there.

During this transformation though, where am I supposed to put my clothes? I can’t just keep using the loveseat which is currently in the living room, I’m not some college student living in a one room apartment. Though living in a mostly open concept house has many of the same issues, the biggest being creating useful storage.

I don’t know why I decide to start these types of projects during tax season. Do I not think I have enough on my plate? Do I think I need to be as busy at home as I am at work? Probably something to do with exerting control in a time when it feels a little out of control.

Still, now I’ve forced myself to deal with this problem. I am going to have to figure this new space out, or it will drive me mental every time I go into the room, which is every day.

Unintentional

Well, once again time has managed to just disappear. I was thinking ‘oh, I should write a post, it’s been a couple days’, then I checked and it’s actually been five days. I lost a whole work week.

Lost, isn’t the right word, I worked the whole work week, which is what you’re supposed to do during it. And yet, I really didn’t think five days had passed since I last wrote on here.

Tax season is definitely taking its toll, though it will really kick off when April rolls around, which given my sense of time lately will probably be in about five minutes.

I realize that I talk a lot about time these days. I’m sure my counselor would suggest that it is because I’ve had two big deaths in less than a year and that it makes you realize time is fleeting. (Madness takes its toll…(Rocky Horror reference, anyone)).

I don’t know if that is why I keep talking about it, or because me and everyone around me is getting older, or because I’m just tired, or because everyone is feeling the same way and there are tiny vibrations in the atmosphere that I’m tuning in to.

Either way, just like my lack of posts, it is unintentional.

Maybe, Maybe Not

I’ve decided it’s okay if I don’t post every day. I am going to try but right now there is too much happening with work and life that I don’t want to feel bad for not being able to come up with content.

I feel like I should have things to say and I probably do except that my brain is so overtaxed (sorry for the pun), that I start over thinking and end up with writer’s block.

Until tax season is over I’m giving myself permission to maybe, or maybe not, post something daily. It can be a surprise to both of us if something manifests itself from the brain fog.

(Like this post about posting or not posting.😉)

Inhale, Exhale

I’m in accounting and by its nature you spend your time doing the same things at the same time every year.

There is both stability and irritation in this.

Stability because you know what’s coming and you know you’ve gotten through the hectic time before so this time shouldn’t be any different.

Irritation because it always seems exceedingly unfair when other things collide with the worst periods during the year.

Tax season for example, for January through June it would be lovely if every other catastrophe, expectation or really event of any kind would stay away.

This does not happen, inevitably you have tons of work to do and something falling apart somewhere else in your life. It is exhausting.

Right now I have too much happening while tax season is going on. House renos, rental renos, dealing with family members. If I had a social life it would be in flames.

I just need a little calm, I need the eye of the storm to cross overhead and provide a reprieve, a space to breathe.

Ways To Keep Me Up Past Bedtime

  • Extreme weather TV shows (documentary)
  • Extreme weather movies

Started watching a TV show about extreme storm chasers, two hours past when I was going to head to bed and I’m still watching. Oh well, maybe if I stay up late enough I’ll be tired enough to sleep tonight. Instead of last night when I tossed for hours.

Grr…Arg…

Today was a day that disappeared quickly but was irritating.

Or maybe I was just exhausted and in a bad mood.

I don’t think I was grumpy this morning but by the end of the day I was irritated by everything.

I have a lot of plates spinning and sometimes it feels like no one is helping me, instead they are trying to knock my plates down or toss new ones into the mix.

Tomorrow shall be better, I hope. 🤞

Buzzing Brain

My head is noisy at the best of times. Work noise, life noise, worry noise, pointless noise.

If I’m lucky I can quiet it down for a bit. Distract it with music, TV, a book, even an interesting file at work.

If I’m not so lucky my brain starts swirling about from thought to thought. One thing will remind me of another and off it goes until I’ve forgotten what I was trying to determine in the first place.

That was the case today when I was supposed to be relaxing, as needles placed by the acupuncturist to “calm my mind” were not expecting my buzzing brain.

From reno projects, to work deadlines, to questions/worry about the state of the world, today brain was having none of the calm.

Now that it is time for bed I am hoping that it got most of its chaotic thoughts out, maybe then the needles placed to encourage better sleep will not have been a wasted effort.

Maybe I can go to sleep and wake up feeling refreshed (odd concept, rarely happens) because a refreshed brain is much better at handling a buzzing brain that is worrying about the state of…well, everything.

Tuesday

Did you tell Tuesday what I said about Monday?

Are you sure? Because it sure acted like it wanted some extra attention today.

I hope it didn’t let the rest of them know, I was really looking forward to a short week.

Filled with the stress of month end, during the start of tax season.

Hahahah, don’t be surprised if the next few months are just pictures of dogs. 😉